First day funk... f*ck...

this is just so weird. i'm back at work and it feels like it's the first day of work. technically it is after being on leave for 2 months. but then it's different since a lot of things have changed since i have been gone. i can't relate to some of the jokes and stories. it's seems i have to befriend the people again to solidify the friendship and closeness that we once had when i was gone.

i find that really hard since i have this notion in my head that even if i hibernate for a long time, when i come back things would be the same the way i left it. but then, reality -wise, it's not. i have to adjust and not expect them to adjust for me. i was the one who "left" them for two months.

but really, i don't know where to start. i feel lost. alone and lonely at the same time. i've been so accustomed to the comforts and company that i had at home that being back here at work was a real shock to me. it felt like being doused with ice cold water. a big slap in the face for that.

right now being my first day at work, i don't know where to start. i'm groping in the dark. i don't know how to start my work. i don't know where to begin again. i don't know how to push through with my accounts. i can't monitor how they are moving since right now, someone's still handling my accounts and i'm not yet updated. i've been bored out of my wits for the last 7 hours. i've checked my email, my friendster, my multiply, surfed all the sites that i know, chatted with some people and i still have 2 hours to go before i leave the office.

part of me also wants to go home now and stay with my baby. part of me is thinking of quitting my job and being a full time mom to kyle. i want to spend each and every moment with him and see him grow up. when the time comes, i can go back to the corporate world. part of me also misses the times where i can go out every night and stay out late. things are different now, i can't stay out late as i used to, i can't go to every gimmicks as i used to. i have a son waiting for me to be home and spend time with. now, i have to choose the gimmicks that i go to. gimmicks will not be the same as it used to. i think, i can only go out if there would be a special occasion to attend.

i'm really stuck in the middle now. is it to go left or right? white or black? up or down?