happy sad

i couldn't think of a better title than that. i was, and still am in a rollercoaster of emotions. happy one moment, sad the next. although i try not to dwell on the sad side of what happened to our week. and blogging about it would bring closure, for me.

> kyle had his fair share of yayas in his "lifetime" he hasn't reached two yet but he had been taken care of 6 yayas. the most recent one being the 6th. we found it quite amusing that all his yayas stayed for more or less 6 months with us. para bang nag probi lang sa amin anyway, speaking of yayas. there was this yaya kyle had that stayed with us for about 9 months. initially she was very maasikaso with kyle. we thought she would stay longer. but things took a sudden turn and she showed her true colors. she was the type of yaya that would get mad if she didn't get her way. as in nakasimangot siya the whole day kung bad trip siya sometimes for reasons we don't even know. one vivid memory i had of this attitude was when aishi and i arrived late to pick up kyle from our in laws. imagine the first face you see upon entering the house is that yaya's face all scowls and frowns. sinong hindi maiinis nun di ba? apparently, she was in a foul mood because we came late to fetch them which meant that she has to go to bed much later than her usual time.

basta nainis talaga ako sa kanya nun. after nun, halos everyday na lang siyang galit. then our ever loyal taga laba ang plantsadora, told us that she found kyle's yaya really weird. her moods are more crazy than a pendulum's. one minute she's mad, crying, happy, depressed and very hard to talk to.

but things get more juicy from here. (disclaimer: this is just an account, it does not mean that i believe in such things also) based from one of my in-law's helpers, this yaya admitted that she dabbles in witchcraft. if you want to know more details about this, i'll create another entry entirely about this incident. better explained in tagalog for more emphasis and feelings.

> we've been staying with our in laws for almost a week now. and staying with them wsa quite a torture for me since i miss our tv, our pc, the internet and sleeping much later than usual with kyle. i just don't like the feeling that you're in the same house with your sons but you only get to see them when they're sleeping. i feel so ineffective as a mother when your sons are just within your reach yet other people are taking care of your sons. but then again, i have a valid reason why this happened..

> my lola which i talked about in my previous entry passed away last may 30. after being confined for almost a week. she finally let go. maybe because she didn't want to burden her children anymore. we're happy that she's happy now with her hubby. sad, because we don't have lola honey anymore to visit. no more endless food when we go to her house. no more laing to eat with bread. no more special sopas for me..

i heard the news from my brother who texted me if we're going home that night. he texted me this way: "ate, kakain ba kayo dito? nga pala, wala na si lola, namatay na siya nung 4pm." at that time i just woke up from my nap with keon. i wasn't even done deleting the message when i just broke down. i immediately called my mom and my bestfriend.

while at the wake, the first time i went there i was doing everything i can to delay looking at her in a casket. i had this bitter knotted feeling in my stomach and throat. i was having a hard time dealing with the loss. after much prodding from aishi, before we left for home, i finally looked at her. and broke down. i had a good cry for about 10 mins standing there, talking to her. telling her how i'm going to miss her so much. thanking her that she was able to keep her promise of seeing her first great grandchild, she even saw her second. her face was so peaceful. literally para lang siyang natutulog. even in death she still looked beautiful.

come the next day, i was at the wake again. i approached my mom and told her i dreamt about lola. in my dream she was wearing blue. the last garment i saw her wearing during my uncle's despedida. she was sitting down and she told me: "wag ka na iyakin, happy na ako" she was saying this with a smile. after that, i can't remember the dream anymore. but that part was the most vivid one. after telling my dream to my mom, she mentioned that my cousin, the youngest among the grandkids. i'm the eldest by the way, dreamt about lola too. this time she gave her a kiss and with her was her hubby (when our lolo passed away, i was the only grandchild then) and they were floating upwards and waving at her. it was funny that lola only made her presence felt to me and my youngest cousin. lolo after he passed away when i was 1, also visited me that time. in short, kami lang talaga ang binisita ng lolo at lola namin.

after that dream, i stopped crying for the loss of my lola. i'm now happy she's happy and in a better place. i've got another angel to look after me and my family.

> and i guess this is with my lola's help, i'm back at work. today's m second day as an internet marketing officer. the pay's good, the environment's relaxed and stress free even if there's a lot to do. i'm just thankful i was able to get a job just in time with my self imposed deadline as written in my planner to have a job by june. and here i am. what's more, my office is near our house so i could come home early and see my kids.

> as for keon, he's getting bigger and smarter by the day and every inch as kulit as his kuya kyle. i'm excited for saurday to arrive since we'll be celebrating his baptism, after much delay.

kuya kyle (which i call him now) is still learning new words everyday. he can now say his name after me. he'll repeat it as "kay huuuu" aka kyle hung last night while putting him to sleep, he learned a new word. i taught him his dada's name. when aishi came home last night, imagine his surprise to hear kyle call him dada titoy aka dada pitoy with matching big smile. next would be teaching him to say my name, that would be tonight's assignment.